Desktop Quote

Today was one of those days where I was in a funk.  Not just emotionally.  I was in an all encompassing mental funk.  For example, I decided that I needed to listen to some music to cheer me up while I read over a demonstration/validation plan that would put even the driest, most incredibly boring person to sleep.  So I pop a CD into the appropriate drive on my computer and open up the folder.  What do I find?  Nothing.  I raise an eyebrow and wonder, “How can the CD be blank?  It’s not a copy.  It’s an actual genuine ‘I bought it at the store’ CD.”  So I decide that maybe I didn’t quite lay the CD right when I put it in.  I hit the eject button so that I can jiggle the disc.  Much to my surprise, I see that my CD does not need to be jiggled at all.  Instead, it needs to be flipped over.  Yes, that’s right.  I put the CD in upside down.  Sean told me that I must have been hoping for ”B-side”.  I had to laugh before I told him that no, it was just one of those days.  What did I learn today?  I learned that as I get older and/or more stressed out, I need to remember that when it comes to CDs, “Silver side down!”

Anyway, while I was sitting at my desk wishing I was anywhere else but sitting in that very chair, I looked up and saw a quote that I had saved from a “Friendly Quotations Daily Calendar”.  I had received this miniature Page-A-Day calendar as a gift the year prior and had saved a few of the ones I thought were cute.  As time went on, I threw all of them away except for one.  I read the quote and it made me smile. 

“Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.”  ~ W. H. Auden

I remembered why I had kept it.  All of the people I love make me laugh.  And that, especially when I am having a funk-filled day, is one of the biggest reasons why I love each and every one of them. 

Wanted: One Punching Bag with Interchangeable Stick-On Faces

Sometimes I just have to accept the fact that I am going to end up having one of those days.  I’m not talking about a day where everything seems to go wrong.  No siree Bob!  I’m talking about a day where everyone is either going to piss me off or make me feel like a piece of shit.  Ok, maybe not everyone, but everyone except for a very small handful of people – like 3. 

So, what do I do?  Well, I end up leaving work EXTREMELY frustrated.  I come home, have some soup, and then force myself to take my lazy butt to the gym.  I put on my angry music and I go to town.  Then about the time I feel like I’m going to fall over because I’ve pushed myself too hard, I decide to come home. 

Now that I’ve pet my stepdog and my two cats, I have to admit that I feel a little bit better.  Of course, the physical exhaustion has helped tremendously.  Go figure.  But that still leaves me sitting here trying to figure out what to do in order to significantly decrease my stress and anxiety levels so that I don’t continue to have days like this.  Right now, my stress levels at work are just going to have to be what they are.  There is a light at the end of that tunnel.  Unfortunately, it’s a few months away, but it’s there.  So until then, I’m going to have to grit my teeth and keep on plugging away. 

As for the rest of it all, I’m going to start by cutting out the negativity in my life.  I am sick and tired of feeling guilty that I am happy.  I am sick and tired of getting to the point where I become excited and happy about my upcoming wedding only to talk to someone who ends up shooting down all those great and wonderful feelings.  So I’ve decided that I am going to start by allowing myself to be happy.  And, furthermore, I’ve decided that if someone cannot accept the fact that I am happy or feels the need to try to get me to join their dismal pathetic outlook on life, they are shit out of luck.  It’s my life and I am going to enjoy it.  I am going to be happy!!!

So there!  HA!  I don’t know why, but saying “HA!” makes me feel so much better. 

Now that I’ve figured that out, it’s time to go make a cup of tea, relax in the tub, read some more of my book, and wait for the most wonderful man I have ever met to come home so that I can crawl into bed with him and go to sleep.  :-)

The “Wow” Feeling

As I try to start winding down and get my head to stop swimming with wedding colors and invitation choices and all of the gazillion different flower choices that are available, I try to focus on what I have actually completed so far with my wedding.  I think about the location and then I start thinking about my dress and how much I really do like it.  When I look at the dress, all I can think of is “Wow!”  The pictures don’t do it justice.  They lack the sparkle that comes off of the tiny crystals that are in the detailing, they lack the exact coloration of the detailing, and of course they lack that overall “Wow” feeling that I get when I look at it in person.  When I put the dress on, it makes me feel good.  I feel comfortable and I don’t feel confined or restricted or stiff or any of the other feelings that the other dresses gave me.  But more importantly, when I put the dress on, I feel as though I really could be beautiful.  I feel as though it gives me hope.  And that is when it hits me…

It’s at this point in my thought process that I realize that I am 33 years old and have never felt beautiful.  Sure, I’ve felt “not bad looking”.  And I suppose a few times in my life I’ve thought, “I look pretty damn good!”  But thinking back, I cannot recall a time that I have felt beautiful.  I cannot recall a time where I’ve felt that someone has looked at me and said, “Wow!” 

I’m sure part of this may be due to the fact that I never have been very “girly”, not even when I was younger.  When you aren’t very “girly”, you don’t really provide yourself many opportunities to receive the “Wow” look.  And I must admit that my previous highly toxic relationship didn’t provide many opportunities either.  I was always made to feel as though I was a disappointment.  But, I did get to hear about how hot *fill in the blank for the week* was which always brought me back to high spirits!  I mean, wouldn’t you just love hearing about how hot *insert random girl at work* is and then ten minutes later be told how unattractive you are and be propositioned for a blow job???  Who wouldn’t!  Being made to feel like an unattractive piece of shit ALWAYS makes me want to suck dick! 

But, I try to shrug this all off.  Just because I have never received the look in the past doesn’t mean that I can’t ever get it, right?  On their wedding day, even the not-so-girly girls become girly.  So, this would present me with an opportunity, right?  I would like to think so.  At this point, I’d like to think that there is hope.  I would like to think that in September when I put on my dress, that I will have the “Wow” feeling.  And that when I walk down the aisle, that I will exude the “Wow” feeling.  That Rob will look at me and I will see someone else have the “Wow” feeling when they look at me.  Then, even if it’s just for once, I can have that moment where I truly feel absolutely beautiful.

Tick, Tick, Tick…

Sometimes I feel like I am constantly playing “Beat The Clock”.  I now have less that 8 months left before my wedding.  In some ways that seems like a very long time.  But in some ways, I feel my little voice repeating “So much to do! So little time!” over and over like a record that is skipping along at a speed just a little faster than what it should be played at.  You know what I mean – where the voice that’s talking to you is a little higher pitched and at a faster tempo than it should be. 

“So much to do! So little time!  So much to do!  So little time!  So much to do!  So little time! So much….”

“AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

I’m sure it doesn’t help that I have a hard time making up my mind.  But to be fair to myself, it is difficult when there are so many options.  And not just any regular old options, but options that are cool, interesting, different, unique, and incredibly fun! 

I’m sure it also doesn’t help that we have now lost our officiant.  Yes, this has sort of bummed me out.  She will be moving on to another parish in Missouri but has agreed to complete our pre-marital sessions prior to leaving so that the new interim priest at St. Andrews can marry us.  It’s nice because it doesn’t leave us searching for a new officiant, but I have to admit that Rob & I were kind of bummed when we got the news because we really do like her.  But, since time keeps on ticking, we are hoping that we will also be fond of the interim priest that the parish takes on after Paula leaves.

Aside from that, there have been no real snags.  Then again, we’ve gotten most of the larger decisions out of the way.  One would think that they would be the more difficult decisions.  Well, yes and no.  Yes, because they tend to be the more significant decisions, hence the size being labeled as LARGE!  (i.e. – Where do we want to have the wedding?  What date?  Who do we want to invite? What time of day do we want to have it? etc.)  No, because as I am now finding out, the smaller decisions tend to be inter-linked within one another.  Whatever small decision I make affects another small decision which in turn affects another small decision which in turn… you get the idea!  It’s an evil, vicious, small wedding decision circle!

To overcome the EVSWD circle, my totally wonderful and incredibly brilliant Lady of Honor has come up with the idea of creating a Wedding Posterboard.  This will enable us to lay out all the various small wedding decision (SWD) ideas and be able to move them around to get a better feel of how they will impact the other SWD’s.  Did I already mention that she is brilliant??!!  This will be absolutely wonderful because it will enable me to better visualize all the various SWD’s and how they play off each other.  I cannot wait!!  I have a lot of magazines and this weekend we are going to get together and go through ideas.  Next weekend we are going to assemble the board and start trying to get some SWD’s checked off!! 

HALLELUJAH!!!!!

I Feel Bloated, Oh So Bloated!

Ah yes, I feel bloated.  Not like a normal “monthly” type of bloated.  Hell, not even like a normal “I ate WAY too many beans!” type of bloated!  In fact, it is so bad that I feel as though I am now a Pufferfish and within just a few quick nano-seconds my body has suddenly gone “THWWWPPPP!” and inflated beneath my head. 

 

YUCK.

De-Virginized

Wow!  With this posting, I am no longer a “Blog Virgin”.  I feel so wonderfully dirty!!  (That word just looks so much better in lipstick red!!!)

 So… here I am.  Starting from the beginning.  No real purpose.  No real aim.  What do I want to write?  Do I want to have a theme?  Why does hearing the word “theme” make me think of “A Christmas Story” and Ralphie writing about his Red Ryder BB Gun?  Hmm…

I’m not quite sure what this will morph into but for now, I plan on using this blog as my oh-so-wonderfully comfy (not to mention, oh-so-wonderfully cheap!) therapy couch.  Do I think I really need therapy?  Of course not!  I mean, not any more than the typical stressed-out, thirty-something, female, divorced individual needs therapy!  I just need a place to spew forth all the random thoughts that run through my head without driving my friends, co-workers, and family members away in the process.  I’ve tried talking with my cats but lately they usually fall asleep, walk away, or start licking me.  This can be somewhat disturbing depending on the topic of conversation.  Then again, I suppose the whole “conversing with a feline” thing is a little disturbing in and of itself! 

Hence, my need for a blog.