Pain

***WARNING: This post contains a description of a miscarriage experience.  Please do not read if you are bothered by blood and loss of a baby.***

 On May 14^th, I went to the doctor for an appointment and found out that my baby from my first pregnancy had died.  We had been for an ultrasound the week before and got to see the heartbeat of the baby.  It was the coolest thing I had ever seen.  A week later, at my doctor’s appointment, I saw the baby’s head, little arm & leg buds, but no heartbeat.  It was devastating.  I was completely crushed.  I was scheduled for a suction D&C the following day.  The D&C went very smoothly and I had no complications.  I had the normal bleeding and cramping post-surgery but nothing horrible – aside from the mental anguish of knowing that my baby had died and I had just had it sucked out of me.  This was definitely the most difficult emotional experience I have ever had to deal with. 

 Apparently, 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage.  I had no idea it was so common.  When I went back to my doctor for my post-surgery follow-up appointment, I found out that there was nothing “abnormal” about the loss of the baby and that there was no reason to not expect to have a successful pregnancy in the future.  We were told to wait 2 months before trying to conceive again.  We got through the waiting period and again were blessed with another pregnancy.  I was so excited yet also nervous after what had happened the last time.  I didn’t know if I could handle going in for another ultrasound only to see a baby without a heartbeat.  But, I told myself to be strong and what was meant to be was meant to be.

On September 15^th, I started spotting.  It wasn’t too bad and from everything I had read and heard from my 2 friends who were recently pregnant, light spotting with “old” blood is okay and even normal from such things as implantation.  So I tried not to worry (even though it was really hard not to) and took it easy staying off my feet as much as possible.  On the 16^th, the amount of blood had increased some but was still old.  Rob looked up all kinds of stuff from the internet that still said it was normal and not to worry unless it changed to new, bright red blood with clots and lots of cramping.  So I took a deep breath, tried to relax and made sure I took it easy.  The night of the 16^th, the bleeding became heavier and changed to dark red, new blood with cramping and some small clots.  It wasn’t as bad as anything that I had read saying to go to the ER, so I stayed lying in bed and planned to call the doctor in the morning.  On the morning of the 17^th, my cramps had increased and the flow had also increased.  I was terrified.  It couldn’t be a good sign.  I called the doctor’s office and requested that the nurse call me back to let me know what I should do.  The nurse called back and instructed me to come in to have some blood work done.

 I got into the doctor’s office about 11am for blood work and was told to go home and rest-up until my ultrasound appointment that was scheduled for 1pm the next day.  I burst into tears and told the nurse that it would be pointless for me to have an ultrasound the next day because I didn’t think the baby would be there.  At this point, I had a lot of blood and clots and felt like someone had kicked me in both the lower abdomen and lower back.  I knew things weren’t good and that I was going to lose the baby.  The nurse tried to reassure me and said to try to relax and that they would get me an ultrasound appointment soon instead of waiting.  Rob and I went to Panera to get something to eat before the ultrasound appointment.  All I had eaten up to that point was a banana and I knew I needed some kind of food in me especially with all the blood I was losing.  While at Panera, I started having horrible cramps in my lower abdomen.  They were so intense that they made me start doubling over and unable to move while they were happening.  I went into the bathroom and while I was in there felt something slide out into the toilet.  I knew if it wasn’t the baby, it was a very large clot.  I flushed it down immediately because I knew I couldn’t bear to see it if it was the baby.  I started crying and eventually got myself together and cleaned up enough to leave.  We drove back to the ultrasound place and I told Rob that I felt like the whole appointment was pointless because with what just happened in the bathroom at Panera, there probably wasn’t going to be anything to see on the ultrasound.

We sat in the car for about 30 minutes waiting for my appointment.  I didn’t want to go in early because I was in so much pain I didn’t want to be in public.  I told Rob that if felt like what I would imagine labor would be.  The pains were absolutely horrible and no matter how I laid or tried to curl up in the car, it didn’t help.  I have never felt pain like this before.  It was bad enough that I knew if it got any worse, I would definitely throw up and possibly pass out – at this point, I definitely felt like I could do both.  Finally, it was time to walk in for the appointment.  It took a while because I had to walk so slow due to the continuous pain and make sure I only moved in between the waves of excruciating pains to which I could only stop and try to breathe and wait for it to pass.  This continued while we waited in the waiting room.  Finally, we were called back.  I got up on the table and laid down and felt a huge gush as I laying down.  I burst into tears and told the ultrasound tech that there’s no point, there’s nothing there.  She did an external ultrasound and told me she got everything she needed and that I could decline the internal if I wanted because she didn’t think I needed to be put through that if I was in so much pain.  I told her I didn’t want her room looking like a crime scene with blood and guts everywhere.  I asked her to be honest with me and confirm if I was correct in the fact that the baby was gone and not even my uterus anymore.  She said I was right and showed me the pictures she had taken to send off to the doctor.  She said the good thing about it looking so “empty” is that there were most likely no remnants which meant I shouldn’t have to have surgery to get out extra dead tissue that hadn’t come out.  I told her I wanted to decline the internal.  I was terrified that as soon as she stuck the wand in, the baby would come out when she pulled the wand out.  I didn’t want that to happen.  I asked her if she could possibly get me the largest pad she could find and she left to find one.  Rob helped me off the table and after taking 2 steps towards the door, I felt the biggest gush I have ever felt.  It felt like I had uncontrollably crapped my pants except for the fact that it came from my vagina.  I burst into tears again and told Rob that as soon as she got back with that pad, I needed to go to the bathroom because I was pretty sure everything had just fallen out into my pants. 

 We got the pad and went into the bathroom.  Rob asked if I needed him to come in and I told him yes.  I told him I didn’t think I could handle going in there and finding our dead baby in my pants.  I pulled my pants down and was grateful I had as many tears in my eyes as I did as I would not have wanted to see what was there clearly.  I had the largest mass of blood so dark red that it looked black with gray matter filling my entire pad.  I started bawling and stared up at the ceiling.  I couldn’t look at it.  Rob set my coat and purse down and grabbed a huge wad of toilet paper and covered it up.  Then, being the man who never ceases to amaze me, he didn’t miss a beat and proceeded to remove the pad from my underwear and dispose of it for me.  I think he knew I was completely incapable of doing it and also knew that he had to get me out of there as soon as possible.  We held each other for a while and I cleaned up and tried to compose myself before we walked out through the waiting room and back to the doctor’s office. 

 The intense pains were gone.  I still had cramping and of course still had bleeding but I could actually walk.  Even if it was uncomfortable, I could move around.  Sadly but thankfully, my body felt better.  Once we finally saw the doctor, he confirmed what the tech had said and what I already knew.  We told him about what had happened and he confirmed that I wouldn’t need surgery unless I started showing symptoms that there was still dead tissue remaining inside of me.  He recommended we see an infertility doctor.  Obviously, not for conception problems as we haven’t had a problem getting pregnant (knock on wood) but since I had lost 2 babies consecutively, there may be a medical reason why I cannot maintain a pregnancy.  He said that most likely nothing is wrong and it was two random miscarriages.  But, if something is wrong, we can look at addressing it and not be put through any more heartache than necessary.

 I can honestly say that this was the most painful thing that I have ever experienced – both physically and emotionally.  We are trying to be positive and hope for the best.  But, it’s hard for me to not be frustrated when I see other women who do everything wrong and still end up with perfect pregnancies while I follow all instructions to do everything right and lose both of mine.  I keep trying to remind myself that life isn’t fair.  All I can do is be grateful for what I do have and be strong and keep working toward what I want.  

Summary of Lessons Learned

I’ve been gone from this blog for way too long.  Everytime I would sit down to try to blog about something that had happened, I would become so overwhelmed with everything that I still hadn’t written that I would close the window, open Facebook and peek at what everyone else has been up to!  Rather than trying to catch up on everything that has happened by describing it all, I decided to provide a summary of what I’ve learned from the events during my absence and move on.  After all, I can always reflect on past events in future posts.  Right??

Life is too short.  Just because I enjoy a burger with someone one night, doesn’t mean that they can’t die the next.

Working on weekends really sucks.

I never knew how badly I wanted something until it was gone.

I need to take more time for myself.

My husband is absolutely wonderful.

I work with an incredible group of people.

I haven’t seen my family in way too long.

Mechanical bull rides and karaoke make for a very entertaining evening.

Exploding cats do exist.

Apparently, not everyone learns what the Scientific Method is or how to use it.

I miss margaritafied bowling.

Nothing beats homemade ice cream.

I’m sure I’m forgetting a few.  But for now, I’ll leave it at that and move on from here.

Figure Flaws

Whenever I get down on myself, I have to remember… it could always be worse!  I could have a poorly drawn head!!

New “Funnies” for a New Year

This year I didn’t get any calendars for holiday gifts so I hit the little calendar kiosk at the mall to pick a couple up.  I picked up a “Wine Lovers” calendar thinking it would be a good “daily” that might actually teach me a few things about my latest passion.  On my way to the register, I stumbled upon a Revilo daily calendar and had to pick it up.  In the past, I’ve picked up several greeting cards that have the art/humor of Revilo and have enjoyed them tremendously so I figured his little daily calendar would be something great to give me a daily smile, giggle, or laugh out loud moment. 

After finding the following “daily funny”, I decided I would share the ones that I tended to enjoy more.  I found this one funny for two reasons.  One reason is because I have actually seen a cat (my Dagget on several occasions) try to fit into a box that is several sizes too small for him.  Each time, I would ask, “Just HOW can that be comfortable?” and would receive a look simply stating, “What? Do you really think this box is too small for me?  I did fit into it, did I not?”  The second reason is because there are times when I feel like I am a cat trying to pull off stuffing myself into a box that is much too small for me!

Shoe Snob

I admit it.  I’m a shoe snob.  I have a very hard time paying $20 for a pair of shoes, but will usually pay $100 without thinking twice.  Why?  Several reasons.  The first being, I like nice shoes.  The second being that I am drawn to nice shoes… kind of like a magnet to a refrigerator.  Okay, but seriously, I am on my feet A LOT on any given day.  I like to be comfortable while I am on my feet.  Therefore, I am willing to spend money to be comfortable. 

I had a hard time with this at first.  At first, I did not want to spend $100 on a pair of shoes.  I thought it was a waste of money and would have preferred to spend the money at Lowe’s for something more “useful”.  But, I sucked it up and splurged one year as a birthday present to myself.  I have to admit, it was one of the best gifts I have ever given myself. 

Since then, I have been able to reason my shoe preference to myself in a fairly practical manner.  At least, it seems practical to me.  You see, I figure if I buy a pair of $20 no-name brand shoes, I usually end up wearing them 3 – 5 times before I decide I detest them and the way they make my feet feel.  They sit in my closet for about a year and finally make their way to Goodwill.  However, when I wear my Nine West, Kenneth Cole, Clarks, etc. “snob” shoes, my feet feel pretty darn good after a full day of wear.  I get home, kick them off, and don’t hesitate to put them back on again when it’s time to go out.  I wear them often throughout the year and end up keeping them (and continuing to wear them) for several years.  So, the practical mathemetic side of me determines as follows:

One pair of shoes at $20 worn a maximum of 5 times is around $4 per shoe wearing experience.
One pair of shoes at $100 worn often throughout the year for several years, is much LESS than $4 per shoe wearing experience. 

Basically, I can reason that in the long run, I SAVE myself money by spending more upfront.  However, aside from my convenient mathematical logic, I have found another reason as to why I am a shoe snob and why I buy and ENJOY my nice, snobby shoes.  You see, I bought a pair of cheap shoes that were very cute and seemed to be comfortable when I tried them on.  I spent approximately 8 hours in the shoes one day and when I removed them, found that my big toenails were EXTREMELY sensitive.  In fact, my toenails got increasingly sensitive over the next week and only 2 weeks after the shoe-wearing experience did I FINALLY start seeing relief.  During this time, I could only wear open-toed shoes (sandals, flip-flops, etc.) as anything that touched my toes hurt A LOT.  Now, 2 months later, I finally took off the 3 layers of toenail polish that had accumulated on my toenails and my jaw hit the floor!  My toenails , 2 months later, that were still mildly sensitive were pretty crazy to look at.  Don’t believe me?  See for yourself!

Needless to say, I now have another reason as to why I splurge on nice shoes.  And, I will NEVER feel guilty again for being a shoe snob.

Home – It really is where the heart is!

Growing up as a military child, “home” has been a variety of places.  People would ask me where I was from and I never really knew quite how to answer.  I would always have to ask, “Do you mean, where do I live now?  Where was I born?  Or where have I lived the longest?”  I was born in Chicago and technically, I have only lived in the Chicago area for 6 of my almost 34 years.  I’ve also lived in the Philippines, Bermuda, and several places in Maryland.  Technically, most of my life has been spent in Maryland.  But, having been back to Chicago twice now over the past 2 weeks, I have to admit that there is nowhere else that feels quite as much like home. 

When I get off the plane in Chicago, I feel like I’m home.  There’s a feeling that comes over me that just makes me feel like I’m back where I belong.  I like the fact that I see other people sporting Bears attire.  I like the way that people refer to Coke, Pepsi, etc as “pop”.  I like the fact that I easily revert back to calling it “pop” and that saying “soda” again when I get back to Maryland seems weird.  I like the hot dogs, the pizza, even the cold wintry weather.  But most of all, I like the people.  I like the fact that the people are “real”.  I like the fact that they have values and are genuinely warm and friendly.  I like knowing that when I talk to them, what I see/hear is what I get. 

After almost 34 years, I’ve realized that I am truly a midwest girl at heart.  I know where my home is.  My home is where my heart is – sweet home Chicago.  And someday, I hope to be back – for good!

My New Desk “Art”

It’s always nice to have something to make me laugh – especially when I’m at work!  While I was shopping in Naperville, IL before my Grandmother’s birthday party, I found a card that made me bust out laughing and I knew I just had to buy it and hang it up at my desk. 

 

I don’t ever think I’ll be able to read a Chinese food menu again with a straight face!

Thought of the Day

I’ve heard that it’s not healthy to live in denial.  However, da Nile might not be quite as bad.  You should really consider relocating.

Close Enough to a Hybrid!

So today, being the total dork that I am, I decided I needed to finish calculating my gas mileage.  You see, I have a nice little red book that I keep in my car to record my gas mileage, oil changes, tune-ups, tire rotations, etc.  The book was a gift from Jen after I bought my car.  I’ve been horribly delinquent in calculating the mpg per each fill-up so I decided that today would be the day that I would get caught up on my calculations.  After completing the calculations, I started wondering (in my own dorky way) what my average gas mileage has been since I’ve had my car.  So, since I felt like procrastinating on the important stuff that I had to get accomplished today, I proceeded to average the gas mileage I had recorded in my little red book.  From 04 OCT 2003 to 08 JUN 2008, I have put approximately 75k miles on my car and my average gas mileage has been 34.79mpg!  Go, go little Civic!!  J

Does marriage still have meaning? Or is it just another convenience…

Being as I am getting married in the very near future, I like to think that there is still something special about a marriage.  After reading the following postings by several men

(http://www.nomarriage.com/why_foreign_women_are_better.html) and the response one woman posted

(http://www.nomarriage.com/comments.shtml), I had to both laugh and yet also be equally disturbed.  It really got me thinking about marriage and our society in general.  It seems as though our society has become so incredibly focused on convenience that the whole “convenience” factor is now also carrying over to our relationships.  I’m sure the whole “marriage of convenience” concept has been around for a long time.  After all, there are times (especially years ago) when a man/woman loses their spouse and has a need to marry someone to help assist in bringing up the children, paying the household bills, and also to simply provide them companionship so that they are not lonely.  I cannot fault someone for that need.  However, in a world where the number of things we can hold sacred seems to be decreasing dramatically, I would like to hope that there are still marriages that are based on more than simply convenience.  The more I listen to people talk, the more I am made aware of how many people remain in their current relationship because it is more convenient to stay than it is to leave.  They seem to be content with settling on something that is conveniently acceptable rather than continuing to search for something that makes them truly happy.  It’s easy to fall into a routine and to be comfortable in a situation regardless of whether or not we are as happy as we would ultimately like to be.  It’s not so easy to leave that comfortably convenient situation and go searching for true happiness.  Yet isn’t that what most of us want – to be truly happy?  Have we as a society really reached a point where we are giving up on happiness and settling for contentment?  If so, I find it incredibly sad.  I still believe that marriage can be a true and meaningful union.  I believe that you can find someone who truly makes you happy.  I believe that you can find someone who you want to be with and cannot see yourself being without.  I believe that you can find someone who respects you and whom you can respect in turn.  I believe that you can find someone who will remain faithful to you and who wants to be by your side regardless of whether the times are good or bad.  If I did not believe these things, I could not get married again.  I refuse to settle for being content and will only settle for being happy.  I just wish I didn’t feel like such a minority…